Stopping breastfeeding after a year and my hurt heart....

Thursday, May 4, 2017

I used to like writing from the heart and connecting with people around the world. It feels like I never get time for these posts anymore. I decided that I was going to pour myself a glass of wine since the kids are in bed and type.

There have been so many changes in the last few months. We opened our first California restaurant and both Kurt and I started back into work full gear. It was so much fun being able to talk with adults and feel the workplace again. For me the restaurant business is so new. I've had to adjust and learn quickly how they operate and what all the things thrown around are. Learning labor costs, food control, ticket times, the list goes on! I hadn't planned on working in the restaurant as this is my husbands gig but I was somehow drawn in with the need to support him and support our future. Time.. it will slow down for me in time.

About three months ago we hired our nanny on full-time and I put blogging on the back burner. I honestly put life and everyone in it on the back burner for a solid 6 weeks after the doors of Fox and Fiddle opened. During this time I had to figure out this new parenting style. I had never left my boys with anyone like I had with Apple. It was so much easier owning a baby store and taking them to work!

During the start up I needed to make the decision to continue to nurse and pump or to try and nurse her when I see her and pray I keep enough supply. As the weeks led into one month, two months, the three... I saw what was inevitable; milk was slowing and I was losing what I loved. Apple was becoming independent and didn't need her mommy as much as I hoped. Recently, we came to a cross roads in our nursing relationship. I needed to choose on what path to take. Should I start taking supplements and pumping on top of trying to come home during the day to feed her or should we part. There had been days she didn't nurse and it was OK. But the choice of not nursing tomorrow or the day after or after that was breaking my heart. I had realized that the more I thought about the loss of something the more I cried. I had realized that you want what you can't have. I had realized that it was more of a symbolic thing over nutrition, bond, being a good mom or anything else. I set myself up for this. I put so much on feeding her beyond the recommended year that I started to feel pain over stopping instead of joy over doing what I did. I decided to sleep on it and promised myself if I want to wake up and nurse her you could. The day came and went. That night I said the same thing... it"s not over. You can feed her tomorrow. Well, here I am typing this it has been almost two weeks since she fed from my body and soul.

These pictures are my memories forever and as I type this blog I am crying but tomorrow when I wake up I have my daughter to still hold and cherish. She will love me as much. I will love her even more. We don't need the breast to define that.


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