My motherhood ..

Saturday, May 7, 2016

The It's Saturday night and I just decided tomorrow (Mother's Day) needed a post. So here I am, curled up on my rocking chair, baby in the Lille carrier, typing this up last minute. I wasn't sure if I should write about celebrating moms, my own motherhood or something different and personal.

I've decided to shoot from the heart. So here it goes...

Mother's Day is tomorrow. For me, it's not really day of celebration. I often feel lost and confused because growing up I didn't have the storybook or regular childhood. I didn't have the bond I saw my girlfriends have or the best friend I wished. Because of this I had become so close to my grandma that I remember asking her to tell people I was her kid. She had already raised seven children. I quickly worked my way into her heart and home as the eighth. I believe as the story was told I was put in a drawer to sleep as a tiny baby. She doted on me, kissed me all day long, and was silently teaching me all those years how to be a mom. I get tears thinking about her and I know so many do, especially my papa. She passed away from cancer seven years ago.

Having Apple has been a blessing but it has also brought up some deep emotions. I look at her and think how I'll be her friend forever. I don't love her more than my boys, but something is different. I see myself as a baby. I think about teaching her how to be a lady, how to apply makeup, talking about her friendships, watching girly tv together and so much more. I want to give her everything I craved as a young adult and into motherhood. 

I have a trust in my husband he will continue to be a strong influence for our boys and a soft daddy for our girl. He had that life growing up that I wanted and  has such a big heart. And for me... I'll do what I know best. I'll love them hard, teach them right and pray for answers that I may need.

Happy Mother's Day. Especially to my grandma in heaven.












 

Carmen the Modern Mom © All rights reserved